I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
