I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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