your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
