Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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