I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
