Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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