woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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