She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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