I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Terrible idea I love it
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
