Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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