totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
