cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
