best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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