I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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