I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
