So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
