I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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