Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
only if we run a train.
done.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize