How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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