I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
