you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
