well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
