Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
