PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
