Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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