i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
BRING THE BAGELS
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
