i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
