I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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