A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
