I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
