so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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