i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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