Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
