So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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