Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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