halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
