Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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