Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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