did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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