At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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