I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize