Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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