An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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