Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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