never play flip cup with pint glasses
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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