It's like a parade of train wrecks.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
