That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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