She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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