How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
