i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
