I smell stomach acid.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
