I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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