Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
