I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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