just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think I am morally bankrupt
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
