it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
