I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize