I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
