my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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