She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
