So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
