Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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