She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
