How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you inspire me to be a worse person
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
