I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
