Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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