Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
