Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
