the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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