I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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