let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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