Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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