when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
