Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
